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author | Tyler Davis <tydavis@gmail.com> | 2016-03-22 09:04:35 -0700 |
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committer | Tyler Davis <tydavis@gmail.com> | 2016-03-22 09:04:35 -0700 |
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diff --git a/tex/MazeOfLight.tex b/tex/MazeOfLight.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..73b19f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/tex/MazeOfLight.tex @@ -0,0 +1,734 @@ +\section{Maze of Light}\label{maze-of-light} + +% \textbf{Story:} Maze of Light\\ +% \textbf{Storylink:} \url{https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2720074/1/}\\ +% \textbf{Category:} Harry Potter\\ +% \textbf{Genre:} Angst\\ +% \textbf{Author:} Lightning on the Wave\\ +% \textbf{Authorlink:} \url{https://www.fanfiction.net/u/895946/}\\ +% \textbf{Last updated:} 12/25/2005\\ +% \textbf{Words:} 6366\\ +% \textbf{Rating:} K+\\ +% \textbf{Status:} Complete\\ +% \textbf{Content:} Chapter 1 to 1 of 1 chapters\\ +% \textbf{Source:} FanFiction.net\\[2\baselineskip]\textbf{Summary:} AU, +% short story set in my Sacrifices universe. James Potter faces a choice +% that is either the answer to all his mistakes, or the worst one he's +% ever made. Oneshot. + +\subsection{*Chapter 1*: Maze of Light}\label{chapter-1-maze-of-light} + +\textbf{Title:} Maze of Light + +% \textbf{Summary}: This is a short story taking place in the middle of my +% novel-length story{Comes Out of Darkness Morn}, but chronicling an event +% that's only referred to glancingly there. It probably won't make much +% sense if you haven't read CooDM and its prequels. James Potter faces an +% ancient artifact that will either grant him peace from his mistakes, or +% end them forever. + +% \textbf{Warnings:} This is mostly gen, though James/Lily is referred to, +% but I suppose it requires a warning for emotional upset. + +% \textbf{Disclaimer}: The recognizable characters, events, settings, and +% spells referred to in this story are the property of J. K. Rowling, not +% me. + +% \textbf{Maze of Light} + +James Potter halted outside the main hall of Lux Aeterna, and once again +checked the small bag slung over his shoulder. Yes, he had the mirror, +and the small silver knife, and the vial of poison in case something +went very badly wrong and he had no other way to escape the Maze. He had +confirmed that he had them in the old room he'd taken his for his own +quarters, and again on the stairs, and again now. + +\emph{Stop stalling and get on with it, James.} + +He bowed his head and shivered, even though the voice was nothing more +than the voice of his own thoughts. He'd become quite familiar with it +over the course of the last few months, as he stayed in the Potter +family linchpin, named for eternal Light, and tried to come to grips +with what he had done and what he had allowed to happen in the past. +He'd refused all letters from Dumbledore, read many others but not +replied, and sent only one of his own, to Remus. Remus was the only one +who might understand the storm that James found in his own thoughts +whenever he glanced at them. + +\emph{I know I bloody well don't}, James thought, and then grimaced as +he felt the artifact in the main hall give out a sharp pulse of magic, +like sunlight on his face, even though the door between him and it was +closed. The Maze was awake, then, and sensed him. Now the Light magic +was waiting to see if he would come through, or turn his back and refuse +it. + +He couldn't. He had refused enough in his life, and it had backed him +into this corner. He didn't want to hurt anyone else, but no matter what +he did---stayed here, or returned and confronted Lily and his boys and +his friends and Dumbledore---he would. The Maze offered death, perhaps, +but also a path out of this confusion. + +He had no other choice, and for once, instead of closing his eyes and +huddling against the ground like a hare who'd just seen a threat in the +hopes that it would miss him, he was going to face it. + +He took another deep breath, on the off chance that it might help, and +pushed open the door. + +A flood of light greeted him, for all that it was night outside Lux +Aeterna. The Maze had supposedly come from some other world where it was +always day, part of the reason that it was able to continually shine. +James blinked and shielded his eyes as he paced slowly forward, +confirming his childhood impressions of the Maze as he moved. + +Yes, it still looked the same: silvery folds of walls and tunnels that +nearly filled the room, blending and rushing into each other like water +or foam, but undeniably sharp. The edges glittered like diamond. Light +radiated from them, and from the heart of the Maze, which James couldn't +see. \emph{Trying} to see it only resulted in afterimages. It was too +much a mixture of silver and gold and white and the sun shining off +polished glass. James blinked and looked away, and then took the mirror +from his bag and held it up in front of him. + +He felt the heat glow through the mirror's polished silver and into the +wooden frame, and then into his hands, as the Maze recognized his +intention to enter it. The light abruptly dimmed, and then surged again. +His request was granted. + +James sighed. \emph{Another excuse to hide taken away,} he thought, as +he laid the mirror down on the floor and then removed the knife from the +bag. A quick cut to the side of his right arm, and he dripped three +drops of blood on the floor. + +His grandparents had declared themselves Light wizards and abandoned +many of the old pureblood dances that favored the strong and bred people +more likely to break than bend, but some of the ancient rituals were +still essential for things like this, James's father had taught him. The +Maze had once belonged only to itself, but it had resided in Lux Aeterna +for generations now. It needed to know that the one facing it was really +a Potter before he had a chance of surviving. There had been a nasty +surprise a few generations back when it turned out James's +several-times-great aunt was not, in fact, a Potter, and she had tried +to enter the Maze anyway. + +There was no problem here, of course. Some of the protective glow +diminished, and James could move nearer for the first time. He sealed +the wound with a swipe of his wand and let the knife drop behind him. He +realized that he was breathing lightly, so lightly he could hardly hear +it himself, and that his chest felt tight and too warm. + +\emph{Another barrier passed.} + +And now there was only the Maze, and the tunnel in front of him, like a +tunnel into the ocean, complete with a white edge that reached out and +swept up to his feet like foam. + +James shivered. + +Light and Dark magic were divided by several differences, but only one +mattered to the Maze. Dark wizards often relied on deception and +subterfuge; almost every glamour had come from the wands of +experimenting Dark wizards. Light relied on truth. The Maze would show +him the results of his mistakes, force him to face, in brutal honesty, +every rationalization he had made about them, and test his acceptance of +them in the meantime. If he was unable to accept that he had made these +mistakes and needed to change, the Maze would kill him, or perhaps trap +him in limbo. Hence the vial of poison. + +Once he entered the Maze, he was honest, or he was dead. + +James closed his eyes, and remembered the expression on Lily's face the +night he had left Godric's Hollow, the sudden devastating realization +that had followed his first realization of the night---that a pureblood +justice ritual had heard Harry's plea to take her magic, and +\emph{listened} to it, and obeyed him. She had deserved to lose her +magic, according to the ritual's impartial judgment. + +And he had been part of the reason that that had happened. + +He had no choice, not if he loved his family. + +James moved forward, and entered the Maze. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{\linethickness}\end{center} + +James bowed his head and shut his eyes. + +He had faced the minor mistakes of his childhood, and accepted them +easily enough. For the most part, he had made peace with them long +since. It had been a mistake, in many ways, to train to become an +Animagus when he learned of Remus's lycanthropy, and to teach Sirius +when he asked, and to tease and cajole Peter until he went along with +it. There were the mistakes that had caused his parents pain before he +came to Hogwarts. There were the common pranks in Hogwarts, the times he +had cheated on exams, the times when he had earned, and deserved, +detention for his cruel remarks about the Defense professor's +deformities. For the most part, they were old regrets, and James could +put them aside. + +Not so easily this one. The scene waited for him on the Maze's wall, +with infinite patience. It would go on waiting until the Maze decided +that he would never accept it, and then he would have death one way or +the other. + +James raised his head and opened his eyes. + +In the mirror, he watched himself bite his lip and shift anxiously back +and forth on his bed in the sixth-year Gryffindor boys' room. Sirius was +lying on his own, his gray eyes brilliant. Sirius had been happier than +James had ever seen him that year, in the months after he finally fled +his family and came to live with James instead. But the happiness often +translated itself into glass-edged recklessness, deadly as the Maze's +edges in its own way, and this was a time it had. + +``Come on, James,'' Sirius coaxed. ``It'll be fun.'' He paused---for +effect, James realized, viewing this scene from the outside. ``I don't +usually have to explain to \emph{you} how much fun something is,'' he +said, a whinge creeping into his voice. ``Peter, sure. And you know how +Remus needs to be prodded along. Come on. What's eating you?'' + +The adolescent James lay back and folded his arms behind his head. ``I +don't know, really,'' he said slowly. ``After all, it's just a more +intense version of what we've always done.'' + +The adult James flinched as the Maze made sure the words echoed in his +ears. \emph{There's my first rationalization. And Merlin, of course it +matters. We're talking about someone else's} life \emph{here, not his +pride, and I've known since I was a child which one matters more.} + +``But I just don't think it's right.'' James bit his lip again. + +Sirius snorted. ``Come \emph{on}, James. It's \emph{Snivellus.} He +deserves a good scare, especially after what he did to Peter the other +day.'' + +The Maze stilled the scene, and James sighed. ``I know,'' he whispered. +``Sirius was only using that to butter me up. I know he didn't care all +that much about what had happened to Peter.'' One thing the Maze was +making sure he understood was how much Peter had seemed like a tag-along +to his friends, more tolerated than welcomed. Of course, his fawning +attitude played into that, but if James and Sirius were really as much +moral paragons as he had thought they were in Hogwarts, they should have +been able to forgive him through their superior understanding of human +nature. + +But the James on the wall nodded, and then said, ``I can see that, I +guess. When? Which night Remus transforms?'' + +The scene blurred into fog, which coalesced into the younger James +hurtling across the grass towards the Whomping Willow. He threw a rock +that hit the knot precisely, hurried under the suddenly still branches, +and ducked into the tunnel at its base, then thrashed through the +darkness until he reached the door into the Shrieking Shack. He could +hear Sirius barking joyfully, and the snarls of the beast Remus had +become, and Snape's terrified screams. + +James threw the door open. He cast a Stunning Spell at the werewolf. +Werewolves were usually better-equipped to resist them, but Remus had +let his friends in on a secret: just after his transformation, he was +still woozy, and could be taken down by a number of spells that +otherwise wouldn't work on him. Now, he staggered and fell. + +James also Stunned Sirius, who was in his dog form, just to make sure he +wouldn't interfere, and then grabbed Snape and pulled him out of the +Shack. Snape said nothing at all until they were almost out of the +tunnel. + +``Why, Potter?'' he whispered. + +``I couldn't let them kill you,'' said James, and then stopped. That +sounded stupid even to himself, and he didn't say the words that burned +on his tongue, because they were even more stupid. \emph{Lives are worth +more than that. We've hurt each other, but it was just stupid school-boy +stuff. This was worse.} + +The adult James bowed his head. He should have said them. Things might +have been different if he had. + +Snape, though, sneered and wrenched himself away from James. ``You knew +about it,'' he said. ``You knew about it, and you decided to come and +stop them from killing me at the last minute.'' + +``Yes,'' said James. And then, because he could, and Snape's sneer +irritated him, ``And now you owe me a life debt, Snivellus, which you'd +better not forget.'' + +Snape threw him a glare full of poison, and then turned and stalked out +of the tree. The adolescent James stepped free of the Willow, waited +until he was sure Snape was gone, and changed into his stag form. Remus +and Sirius would be coming out soon, and it would be better if he didn't +look like the human who had Stunned the werewolf. + +James let out a shaky breath and scrubbed a hand over his eyes. \emph{I +have no one to blame but myself for that part. I could have stopped +Sirius when he was setting the prank in motion. I could have made up my +mind to interfere earlier, so that Snape didn't almost die. I could have +told Dumbledore if Sirius wouldn't stop, and he would have prevented the +whole thing from happening. And then maybe Snape wouldn't hate me so +much, and if he did end up becoming as important to Harry's life as he +has, then he might not fight me as bitterly as I think he will if I try +to take Harry back. And I wouldn't have wronged Remus as bitterly as I +did, almost making him into the murderous beast that he worked so hard +to avoid becoming.} + +But he hadn't said the words he should have. He was too much afraid of +looking stupid, when a true Gryffindor would have risked it. + +The Maze let him go abruptly, and James moved on up the tunnel, +shivering. He thought he knew when the next profound mistake would +appear, and he was looking forward to facing that one even less. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{\linethickness}\end{center} + +``No!'' + +The Maze echoed with his shout, and it waited. James could feel the +profound magic at the center of it, watching him without pity. The Maze +was interested in justice and redemption, not mercy. If he refused now, +then it would kill him, and give him no second chances. + +\emph{I have to live,} James thought. \emph{I have to see this.} + +Shaking, he opened his eyes. + +He saw himself standing in front of a fire, turned towards it. Behind +him, in one of the chairs of the comfortable sitting room at Godric's +Hollow, waited Dumbledore. He had been silent for some time, but now he +spoke, his voice the gentle, implacable one of the Light's fabled +leader, the one who coaxed even his political enemies into agreeing +reluctantly that this was the best, the \emph{only,} course of action. + +``James.'' + +The younger James in the image straightened his shoulders and turned +around slowly. + +``It is the only way,'' Dumbledore said quietly. ``You know that the +prophecy \emph{must} come true. Voldemort cannot be defeated otherwise.'' +The younger James winced at the Dark Lord's name, but nodded. ``And if he +strikes at someone else, we may never know who that person is. We +certainly will not be able to keep him safe and protect him as we should +do, nor the person who, according to the prophecy, will be his shield +and the one who loves him. + +If Voldemort strikes at your boys, then I believe the prophecy will +come true through them. I have thought this ever since Lily had twins at +the end of July. You know the prophecy speaks clearly of a younger and +an elder. The younger boy would be Connor, destined to defeat Voldemort, +and the elder Harry. But, to defeat Voldemort, Connor \emph{must} be +marked, according to the terms of the prophecy. The Fidelius must be +released. Voldemort must be encouraged to attack your sons, and not the +Longbottoms or anyone else who might conceivably fit the prophecy. He +knows only a few lines of it, not the whole thing, and this way we can +deceive him.'' + +``And you know that you and Lily would be able to make this sacrifice. +You are both Gryffindors, brave and strong and devoted to the Light. You +have both escaped Voldemort three times. You are the perfect +candidates.'' + +James in the image closed his eyes and swallowed. James, as himself, did +the same things. The logic sounded horribly convincing, even now. What +were his sons' lives against the fate of the world? Against the chance +to attack Voldemort? + +But now he knew, he knew, what that bargain had cost Harry and Connor +both. And it was about to cost another person nearly as much. + +James opened his eyes and watched. + +``But does Peter really have to go to Azkaban?'' his self in the image +whispered. ``Couldn't we just lure Voldemort here and then explain what +we did?'' + +Dumbledore shook his head, his face kind but stern. ``We cannot, James. +It is necessary that the Ministry and the rest of our world trust +absolutely in the Light, and many people would see us as bating a trap +with innocent children---'' + +\emph{Which is what we did,} James thought. + +``---if we told them what was happening. Instead, we must make it seem a +simple betrayal, and then tuck the traitor away where no one can +question him. And you know that only Peter has the strength to go +willingly to Azkaban. Sirius's mind would tear apart. Voldemort has +already almost torn it apart, making him suffer as he tortured Regulus. +Remus needs his friends too much. You need your family too much. Peter +is already apparently a Death Eater, and Voldemort believes him jealous +of you, to such an extent that he would betray his friends to their +worst enemy. Make Peter your Secret-Keeper, and you free both Sirius and +Regulus of their pain as well as insure the future of our world.'' + +``Very well,'' the James in the image whispered. + +James remembered himself as having hesitated longer before agreeing. It +was somewhat humiliating to discover that he had not. + +But it seared him more to be forced to remember, as he had forced +himself not to remember for years, that he had willingly given up Peter, +sent him to Azkaban and twelve years of insanity, and lied to his sons, +telling both Harry and Connor that Peter had simply been evil, and +jealous of his more talented friends. And then, when Peter had broken +free this summer, James had believed, in terror, that Peter had come to +take revenge on them for having sent him into living death. + +Peter had not hurt Harry, despite having access to him several times. + +\emph{I never thought he was good enough to be in Gryffindor. Instead, +he's apparently strong enough not to blame us, or at least not to blame +my sons for my mistake.} + +Why had he despised Peter so much, anyway? Because he was small and fat +and not very clever? + +\emph{A stupid bunch of reasons to send someone to prison for twelve +years.} + +James sucked in a deep breath. ``I agree,'' he whispered. ``I \emph{will} +write to Peter, if I get out of here alive, and tell him I'm sorry.'' + +The Maze eased its hold on him. The younger James and Dumbledore wavered +and dissolved into mist. James moved forward, or perhaps backward; the +tunnels had a habit of shifting, and with his eyes blinded by tears of +guilt and shame, it was not always easy to tell where he was, or where +he had been. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{\linethickness}\end{center} + +James wiped his mouth carefully. He'd vomited several times, and now his +head and his stomach both felt extraordinarily light. He didn't have to +eat while he was in the Maze---the magic would keep him alive until he +chose to either refuse the Maze's revelations or take the poison---but +he felt emptier anyway, now that he had expelled most of the food he'd +come in here with. + +He knelt there, and did not know if he could lift his head. + +The images were waiting, there. + +With a breath that he hoped would replace the lost food with courage, +James faced them again. + +The Maze showed memories without a pause, without a break. It showed him +his sons growing up. Connor was mostly the way that James had remembered +him, sweet and innocent, his hazel eyes flashing like his father's when +he played a prank, his fringe occasionally bouncing up to reveal the +heart-shaped scar Voldemort's wand had left him with. Dumbledore's plan +had worked. Voldemort had come to Godric's Hollow, shot the Killing +Curse at the baby destined to defeat him, and been destroyed. Connor was +growing up with his parents, sheltered, locked tight behind isolation +wards to prevent any former Death Eaters from attacking him in their +dead master's name. Oh, he was lied to, in that James and Lily had never +told him the truth about the prophecy or Peter or how he was left open +to attack on the night Peter broke the Fidelius Charm on Dumbledore's +orders, but he was a relatively normal child. + +It was Harry who was entirely different from his memories---and this +time, the Maze would not allow James to hide his head in the sand, or +turn his back on the obvious signs that he had forced himself to miss. +James in the images thought he had a perfect family. The Maze made sure +his older self knew he did not. + +From the moment of the attack that both babies had survived, Connor with +his heart-shaped scar, Harry with the vivid lightning bolt on his +forehead and his magic inexplicably heightened after the confrontation +with Voldemort, Lily had trained Harry to shelter, guard, and protect +Connor, to be the shield standing between his brother and danger. She +had trained him in complex spells that no child of five should have been +able to master. She told him the tales of the First War, stories of +torture and rape and murder that no child should hear. She insisted that +he read histories of the wizarding world, to learn complex pureblood +rituals and dances that might be essential in winning Connor allies +someday, and practice the formalities until he could recite them in his +sleep. + +\emph{My grandparents tried so hard to get the Potters away from that, +to stop us from being ice-cold machines who would use the Killing Curse +without a thought,} James said to himself, not for the first time, as he +watched Harry go under the web at four that bound part of his magic +away, because he was so powerful that Lily was afraid he might harm +Connor. \emph{I was supposed to raise my children in peace and freedom. +And what happened? I allowed one of them to become pureblood at the +deeper levels, just because Lily thought it was necessary.} + +He'd had time to notice. Lily could never have hidden this from him so +completely unless she had his willing cooperation. And James saw himself +give it. He convinced himself that Harry was just studious, that the way +he devoured books just meant he'd end up in Ravenclaw when he went to +Hogwarts. He walked in on Harry practicing wandless magic, and told +himself firmly that he must have been mistaken. He listened to Harry +discuss, in cold detail, the deaths caused by Voldemort's Black Plague +spell, and he scolded Sirius for scaring his son with horrible stories. +He turned away from every opportunity to realize that he didn't live in +a normal house with a normal wife and two normal children, but one +normal child, a wife so dedicated to the war effort that she had made +one of their sons a sacrifice, and one young man who hadn't been a child +since he began reciting the vows to defend Connor, save him, and hide +his talents, always, so that observers would think the miraculous +rescues and spells had come from Connor himself. He saw, for the first +time, how Harry's love for his brother was not natural, but obsessive +and cultivated, growing around him like a vine, twisting him into a +soldier before he was six. + +He'd allowed that to happen. He should have been a better guardian, a +better father. + +The Maze bound him with chains of shame and self-loathing, and held him +there as he vomited again over lost chances. + +He watched through hazy eyes as Harry and Connor went to Hogwarts. +Connor went to Gryffindor. Harry, instead of going to Gryffindor as he +should have, went to Slytherin---in large part thanks to Lily's intense +training and the cunning he'd exercised in hiding that training from +anyone else. James saw himself ask the Headmaster, several times, if +Harry could be Re-Sorted, and Dumbledore regretfully refuse. + +\emph{I should have either supported Harry wholeheartedly, or pushed +wholeheartedly to get him into another House,} James thought, +shuddering. \emph{Not this---this half-effort, this believing the worst +of Harry and then giving in the moment Albus told me I shouldn't push. +What kind of a father am I?} + +A bad one, the Maze answered him, and dragged him on ruthlessly through +Harry's second year, when Harry had first broken his arm in a Quidditch +game and then had to remain at the school over Christmas, thanks to the +havoc that Tom Riddle, Voldemort's younger self, had managed to wreak on +his mind when he possessed Harry. Neither time had James visited Harry +in the hospital wing. Lily had been deep in the middle of persuading him +that Harry really was better off as a sacrifice, and that his seeing +Harry at the moment would just encourage a love neither of them could +afford, that the \emph{world} could not afford. They had to let Harry be +the sacrifice the prophecy said he had to be. James had slowly come to +agree with her. He'd let her make him agree with things he never should +have. + +Then Harry had come home for Easter holidays, and Remus, convinced +something was wrong and unrelenting in the face of Lily's reassurances +that nothing was, had tried to kidnap Harry and take him somewhere safe. + +James watched, sick, from the outside, as he pulled a silver knife on +one of his best friends, and forced Remus into going to Dumbledore. +Dumbledore, of course, had \emph{Obliviated} Remus, unable to take the +chance that he would disrupt the prophecy by trying to make Harry do +something other than live for his brother. + +\emph{That's two apologies I owe Remus, then.} James swallowed thickly. +\emph{Or three.} + +On the year turned, only this time James saw what had really happened. +Harry had cast the \emph{Fugitivus Animus} spell on him and Lily, which +made them forget for months that they even had a second son. Harry had +done it because of the mental upset caused by his battle with Tom Riddle +at the end of the year; if his parents had paid any negative attention +to him at all, he might have killed them. It was safer to make them +forget he existed, and to try to survive without their care. + +It was no wonder, James thought, numbly, from the middle of his shock, +that Harry had turned to Snape for guardianship and his best friend, +Draco Malfoy, for other kinds of understanding. They were the only ones +other than Dumbledore who knew what had happened to Harry, and certainly +the only ones who might have been able to help him heal. James and Lily +quite happily existed in the fantasy that they had only one son, while +Harry struggled to get his shredded thoughts and his vicious magic back +under control. + +Then came Christmas, when Harry returned home to his family and removed +the \emph{Fugitivus Animus} from Lily, because he wanted his mother +back---and, in doing that, removed it from James as well, though he +hadn't known that at the time. + +James put his hands over his eyes as he watched the confrontation +between Harry and Lily, but their voices still echoed in his ears. Lily +pretended to be sorry. Harry made plans for them to face the future +together, as a family. + +Then Lily tried to bind Harry's magic again. + +Harry called the ancient justice ritual and stripped the magic from +Lily, making her a Muggle, and vanished, along with a phoenix. + +And James left for Lux Aeterna, once again too much of a coward to +confront Lily, or go after Harry, who had fled to the Malfoys', or do +anything but retreat and hide. He'd justified it as needing time to +think. + +He saw it for what it really was now. + +\emph{You were hiding from your responsibilities again, James. You +should have been a better husband. You should have been a better father. +You should have stood up, at some point, and told Lily that what she was +doing was wrong. Instead, you have one son who's never learned the +truth, and one son who's nearly died and teetered on the brink of +insanity} multiple \emph{times, and a wife deprived of magic by an +impartial ritual.} + +\emph{Good show, James.} + +Guilt perched on his shoulders and scraped them to the bone, but the +Maze was not satisfied with that. It would not allow him to wallow. + +\emph{And why not?} James thought furiously, wiping at the tears on his +cheeks. \emph{Wallowing is better than vomiting. I} like +\emph{wallowing.} + +Because it was not enough. + +He would only hide in self-pity for the rest of his life if things went +on like this. The Maze would not allow him to hide there, any more than +it would let him hide inside itself. He was to be dragged forward into +the light of honesty and truth, unless he refused and died. + +\emph{I have seen what I did that was so awful, mistakes piled on top of +mistakes.} + +\emph{Now, what am I going to do about it?} + +James took a deep breath, and opened his eyes. + +\emph{Start by being a better father.} + +\emph{I'll bring the boys here for the summer, rather than leave them at +Hogwarts, or in Lily's sacrificial care. I'll do what I should have done +all along, and teach them about their heritage, their family---play my +part in their education. I'll love them more, and tell them the truth. +My bonds with both of them are so fragile right now. Connor won't trust +me for hiding these last few months, and Harry won't trust me for hiding +all his life.} + +\emph{I'll get them to trust me. No, more than that---I'll show them I +can be trusted.} + +\emph{Lily\ldots{}} + +\emph{I love her, but there's no way she can be trusted around either of +the boys right now. Connor would listen to her too much. Harry doesn't +want to see her ever again. I'll wait, and send an owl to her when I +can, to ask her to do something other than control them. I don't know +how hard it will be to get her to agree to that.} + +\emph{I don't know how hard it will be to do any of this.} + +For the first time in years, though, James thought that it might not +matter how hard this was. He had given up the life that held those +memories. He'd kept looking at the images even when they made him sick. +He'd already given up the temptation to back out when he stepped into +the Maze. + +How could he ever have thought that he was unchanged, that he wouldn't +change until the final moment passed and the Maze released him? + +Just by carrying through with the decision to step into it, he'd done +something that would have been incomprehensible to the versions of James +in these images. + +He threw his head back and laughed. + +The laughter had an immediate effect on the Maze. It bulged and rippled, +and the silver walls appeared to rise up around him like crashing waves. +James looked up, and saw himself reflected from half a dozen curves and +corners, then seven, then twelve, then thirteen, then dozens of them. + +The Jameses were poised to fall on him, if he chose to continue. There +were still consequences of his mistakes that he needed to see. There +were still paths that he couldn't take without facing those +consequences. There were still non-obvious ripples from his actions that +would build into obvious ones in a short time. + +James smiled. He thought it very appropriate, after so many years when +he'd hidden his own realizations from himself, that he hadn't realized +his own decision until just now. + +``Yes,'' he said aloud, so the Maze would recognize it. + +Down came the sides, and buried him in honesty, buried him in horrible +consequences to his sons, buried him in truth, buried him in Light. + +\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{\linethickness}\end{center} + +James lifted his head, slightly dazed. He was lying on the floor of Lux +Aeterna's great hall. Behind him shimmered the Maze, gone back to its +silver, quiescent state, the wards around it that prevented casual +entrance burning. James stood slowly, and then shook his head as more +images played through it in a storm. + +He'd seen Harry break free of the webs that held him prisoner, now and +forever, and seen how much that scared Connor. He would have to work to +heal not only the trust between him and his sons, but the bond that +Harry and Connor had once shared. + +He'd seen Sirius, possessed by Voldemort, trap his sons in the Shrieking +Shack. He'd seen Voldemort delay too long, and Sirius break free long +enough to kill himself and take that bit of the Dark Lord with him. He'd +seen Harry and Connor learn the truth about what had happened at +Godric's Hollow the night that James and Lily abandoned them to their +fate, and he'd seen Harry kill for the first time. It didn't matter that +the kill had been a Death Eater; Harry would still need healing. + +He'd been able, briefly, to send a letter to Remus, then, the Maze +transporting parchment and quill to him when it had felt his plan and +approved of it. He'd wanted to tell Remus that he would go to his sons +the moment he was free of the Maze. + +And that moment was now. Never mind that it was the middle of the night +again, from the feel of the house's wards, and probably a few weeks +later than the time when he had seen his sons simultaneously +traumatized. Never mind that he had not yet properly mourned Sirius, or +come to terms with his death. James was going to Hogwarts. He was going +to retrieve his sons. + +\emph{If they will have me. I know they might not.} And that was a fear +in him, a sickening fear, slamming against and biting at the inside of +his stomach. + +But Gryffindors did not run from their fears. Gryffindors faced them, +and fought anyway. + +James thought it was a truth he had forgotten for far too long. + +He made his way smoothly towards the door from the hall, his mind +already working. One of the upper rooms had a Floo that corrected +directly to Hogwarts's hospital wing, a relic of the days when traveling +by the Hogwarts Express had been too dangerous for Potter children. He +would contact Madam Pomfrey and ask her if he might come through. + +He would speak with his boys. He would speak with Remus. He would bring +them all back here, and do what he could to repair the bonds he'd +broken, or set new ones in place if the old ones could not be repaired. + +And then\ldots{} + +James's hand twitched. He'd faced his mistakes. He could help other +people heal, but just remaining in Lux Aeterna and showing his sons +their heritage and talking with his friends wasn't enough. His mistakes +had rolled down and affected other people, and he wanted to make up for +that, if he could. + +The Maze had made him face the moment when he'd broken and tortured +Bellatrix Lestrange, likely sending her insane before she ever went to +Azkaban. He'd given up being an Auror because of that, come back to +Godric's Hollow and hidden his head in the sand. It was yet another step +in a long dance of being afraid, of giving up when he encountered +something that he didn't want to know, of turning away and refusing to +acknowledge reality. + +James didn't think he could do that anymore. + +A war was beginning. He had money, he had people who would listen to him +in the Ministry for his name and his deeds in the past, he had Auror +training. And he had his courage back, now, or at least the means to +stare his fear in the face. + +When his boys went back to Hogwarts after this summer, he planned to ask +the Ministry if they could find any use for a Potter willing to fight +again. + +He reached the door, spun, and bowed to the Maze, which glittered behind +him. + +``Thank you,'' he said softly. + +The Maze glinted, and did not answer, which was enough of one. + +James walked through the door, his head high and his heart pounding with +terror on the edge of joy. Time to go meet Connor and Harry, and then to +go forward and meet the rest of his life. |